Naie's yuletide sex romp! "the romp"
by Naie
Summary: Wow! I have not posted in a long time! Well, this is it...perhaps my greatest achivement in humor fanfiction!! The romp contains many...things not sutible for children under 13...people who don't like yaoi and anyone opperating heavy machinery. May induc


**Naie's super Yuletide sex romp!  
Affectionately called "the romp" by the people who put up with me whose parents/guardians/teachers object to sex romps  
  
A few notes before we begin: This stories characters are from Gundam wing, a little from X and a few of my own choosing. Joey's my bud, Billy Gilman is a 12 year old country singer, the folks on ER don't belong to me, and Ica is the wonderful girl who wrote the ER part (those folks don't belong to her either.) Actually none of the characters in this story belong to us…except Joey; he's our slave.  
  
Now…This story contains violence and lot's of it, Yaoi, rape, really bad language, character abuse, screwing in the cockpit's of mobile suits, casual fucking, bad language…again, child labor, drug abuse, more Yaoi…just about anyone who can be gay is, doctors, nudity, guns, more violence, car crashes…you know…the usual.   
  
Now for the story!**  


"hellllppp meeeee!" Joey ran, screaming like a little girl. Billy Gilman was right behind him running and shedding various pieces of clothing   
"C'mon Joey…you know you want me!" Billy called after the fleeing boy, Joey took a flying leap into Relena's window and sighed.   
"What the fuck is he doing here?" Relena exclaimed throwing a lamp at the intruder.   
"Can I kill him?" Heero removed a gun from the waistband of his pants.   
"Eeewww! Don't kill him with that! Kill him with this!" Naie handed a rifle to Heero.   
"Hold up! Not on the carpet" Pargen exclaimed dragging Joey by the hair into the yard   
"Wait a sec! Is that Billy Gilman?" Quatre pulled out of a passionate kiss and looked out the door  
"Yeah…and he's NAKED!" Duo exclaimed throwing himself out the door Quatre followed, not bothering to put his pants back on  
"But Quatre…" Trowa pulled his clothes back on and went to go sulk "that damn Gilman kid always ruins my bouts of casual fucking" Trowa punched a hole in Relena's wall and walked downstairs. Suddenly Trowa got one of those great ideas that you always end up regretting. He pulled on his coat and got into his car, driving very quickly down the icy road…but he didn't crash, oh no…that would be too painless…fate had something worse in store for our Trowa…. Muahahaha. Relena shrugged and walked back into the kitchen to check on the progress of her Christmas dinner.   
"Ms. Relena?" one of Relena's child laborers tugged on her dress "do we get to eat too?"   
"No fucking way" Relena smacked the kid upside the head  
"Fucking? Where?" Trowa wandered into the kitchen "Relena…you know slave labor is illegal" Trowa cocked his head. Relena picked up a butcher knife and admired it in the light, Trowa backed slowly out of the kitchen and crashed into Heero.  
"ILL KILL YOU!" Heero pulled a rifle from his pants…Trowa didn't have time to wonder how, he fled to the MS hanger.   
  
Trowa opened the cockpit of sandrock gasping when he saw Quatre was inside. Quatre pulled Trowa into the cockpit   
"What are you doing?" Trowa asked, Quatre replied in a hushed whisper   
"Hiding!"   
"From who?" Trowa questioned removing his shirt  
"From Wufei…see I kinda dared him to lick this flagpole outside the fire station…man that guy is dense!" Quatre broke into a fit of giggles, Trowa wasn't laughing  
"Firemen?" he questioned removing the rest of his clothing  
"Casual fuck?" Trowa offered and Quatre gladly accepted. Suddenly the cockpit opened   
"Um hey guys…I need this robot…um, I'll wait till you're done" Joey tried to avert his eyes.   
"JOEEEEYYYY!" Billy ran into the hanger Joey gasped and tried to run but found he had been handcuffed to the cockpit, Quatre and Trowa were laughing hysterically…well Quatre was, and Trowa was smiling…hysterically.   
"INJUSTICE!!" Wufei ran into the hanger with a very nice looking sword. Quatre tried to look innocent…but it's very difficult to look innocent when you're one of 4 naked guys in the cockpit of a mobile suit.   
"Gosh Wufei…you're really stupid" Quatre smiled again buttoning his shirt.   
"You actually licked the pole?" Trowa smiled too running his hands through his hair.  
"I'll lick you!" Wufei screamed before realizing how suggestive his war cry was.   
Trowa smiled smugly "be my guest!"   
"You…you're-not very nice!" Wufei tried to find a better comeback but ended up sounding stupid anyway.  
"Your mom's not very nice!" Trowa replied laughing heartily…or at least he would have been laughing heartily…but he has an image to preserve! Quatre cocked his head and raised a finger, but thought better and put it down again.   
  
"Get the hell out of my MS" Zechs stormed into the hanger  
"But this is my MS" Quatre sniffled  
"Nu-uh" Zechs protested  
"Nu-huh!" Quatre replied  
"Nu-uh" Zechs stomped  
"Nu-huh" Quatre yelled  
"Nu-uh" Zechs stepped closer to Quatre  
"Nu-huh!" Quatre stepped towards Zechs until they were in eachother's faces  
"Nu-uh!" Zechs hit his chest with his hand  
"Bring it bitch!" Quatre jumped at Zechs grabbing firmly to his hair  
"You know…I'd stop this, except it's fucking sexy" Trowa grabbed his video camera and switched it on.   
"Hey…can I get a copy of that tape?" Duo strolled in but Trowa was too busy to hear him. Heero was busy rigging Relena's house with explosives and Relena was having a smoke in the back yard with Pargen. Suddenly there was a knock at the door.  
"I'll get it!" Duo called, but no one heard him. Duo threw open the door to see a group of 15 extremely pretty people.  
  
Duo groaned in his head  
"Aww…not those damn X carolers again!" he thought. He Nearly screamed as they began their first song, that girl singing in his head was worst of all.   
"Damn…you're all so pretty!" Duo exclaimed eyeing one of the cute dudes.  
"Speak for yourself" a guy with a thin build and nearly white skin snapped. They started another horrible Christmas song. When they finished a tall dude in a suit and glasses grinned.  
"May we come in?" he asked as his scrawny boyfriend lowered his head and blushed.   
"NO! …Um, I mean…Relena doesn't allow people in her house, who are…wearing black!" Duo sighed as some response escaped his lips. Fifteen pairs of very, very large eyes narrowed at Duo. He panicked, ducking behind the door and removing his clothes as quickly as possible, he returned to the doorframe, rubbing his neck innocently.  
"Yep…all nudists here" he tried to sound as laid back as possible, but it's rather difficult when you're totally naked. Duo felt a cold object poke into his back.  
"Thanks Naie" he sighed as he grabbed the rifle from her hands and aimed at the pretty, white one with the attitude. He fired, it only took one shot…now the kid was in the arms of his big box guy boyfriend and the blonde looked a bit troubled.   
"Kamui…got torn to bits…and died" she promptly fainted as all eyes turned to her  
"I'm still alive here people!" The dying boy gasped as the other's attention returned to him again.   
"No…I promised…I promised mother I'd survive until 1999" The boy gasped. Duo meekly added:  
"It's nearly 2001, buddy" Duo grinned as 15 pairs of huge eyes glared at him. Duo shut the door, he was really cold…and started picking feathers and cherry blossoms off of himself.   
"I hate shoujo…" he muttered pulling his clothes back on.   
  
There was a loud knock at the door, Duo shrugged and opened it. He screamed as the big box clamp dudes descended upon him.   
"Gosh…how rude, not that we needed the kid or anything, but you just ruined the series for everyone!" the big dude with glasses threw the first punch. They took Duo hostage as their replacement Kamui.   
"Where'd they go! I'll kill em'" Heero pulled two uzis out of his pants and fled out the door after the X carolers. Wufei sighed and followed him,   
"heeeerrrroooooo!" Relena took off after the pilot as well. Trowa rubbed his hands together maliciously and shut the door, the perfect time to execute his secret plan. He fled to his bedroom to ready the elf outfit. Quatre dragged Zechs' unconscious form to his room tucking him in gently…no need to inflict more pain on the poor guy. He released a handful of long blonde hair from his hand and retired to the bathroom to clean the blood off of himself.   
  
Trowa dragged the wooden crate down the stairs to Quatre's room, grabbing a box of nails, a crowbar and one of the slave laborers and took them with him. He adjusted his little hat and set the crate down on the bed getting into it and closing the lid. It was so tight in the box that his nose nearly touched his little elf shoes. The servant nailed the box shut and set the crowbar next to the crate on the bed.  
"Thank you" Trowa called from inside his box as the servant walked away with five bucks and a promise not to tell a soul about this. Trowa sighed before he came to a realization, he hadn't poked air holes in his box…screaming for help did no good and after a half an hour Trowa was beginning to get faint. He resorted to bouncing on the bed in hopes that he might fall and brake the box open, but instead he fell to the floor, smacked his head against the wall of the box and passed out. Meanwhile Quatre was just going downstairs to see what had fallen when he came upon the box.   
  
The crate was leaking blood from the crack between the lid and the box so Quatre took caution when he pried the lid open. He gasped when an unconscious, bloody Trowa in an elf outfit tumbled out. As much as Quatre wanted to help Trowa he couldn't help laughing his head off and taking a few pictures. Quatre searched the house to try and find anyone to help him carry Trowa to the hospital but he found no one, all the cars were gone too, there was only…a shopping cart.  
"Well…better than nothing, I guess…" Quatre lifted Trowa's listless body into the cart and wheeling it in the direction of the hospital, he groaned as he noticed all the wheels squeaked. Duo had been fighting them off for over 15 minutes now…they were trying to cut and dye his hair in an effort to make him more Kamui-looking so no one would suspect. Suddenly Heero shot his way into the room, mowing down nearly all of its occupants but sparing Duo's right leg and most of his head and Torso.   
"Heeroooo!!" Relena was on his tail, Heero slung Duo's bleeding form over his shoulder and took off towards the pickup truck in the front of the diet building…it was full of plucked birds who's feathers had been sacrificed for Kamui's new set of wings. Heero jumped in the front seat and started the engine driving speedily away.  
  
Quatre was wheeling the cart more quickly as Trowa lost more blood. On a particularly steep and icy hill Quatre lost his footing accidentally letting go of the handle of the cart…Trowa sped down the hill in his shopping cart of doom, wheels squeaking merrily the whole way, Trowa's cart hit the bumper of a car. Flinging his unconscious body into the back of a pickup truck full of angry, squawking, naked birds. Quatre jumped onto the bumper of the car as well groping his way towards the wheel through masses of plucked birds. Quatre shattered the window and squeezed into the front seat shoving the driver away before he even got a chance to look at him and taking control of the wheel.   
"Heero?" Quatre finally looked at the former driver as they sped towards the hospital.   
"Quatre." Heero said in his carefully practiced monotone…now, everyone knows there is only one response to a statement such as that…  
"Heero." Quatre replied   
"Quatre." Heero stared at Quatre blankly  
"Heero." Quatre stared at Heero more blankly…Heero smiled.  
"I'll kill you" his grin widened as an expression of shock crossed Quatre's face, but it wasn't because of Heero…they were headed straight towards the fire station. Quatre screamed and covered his face with his hands, Duo slept peacefully, Trowa wallowed in pain, the birds squawked and bit and flew around as best as they could without feathers, and Heero just smiled.  
"I told you so" Heero's grin was unfailing as the pickup smashed through the firehouse window and halfway through the garage wall. Heero slung Duo's body over his shoulder and Quatre dragged Trowa into one of the fire trucks in the garage and Heero started it up.   
"Firemen?" Trowa groggily questioned as he finally came to. Wufei was speeding down the road on a pink bicycle (Heero took the keys to the car) he saw the fire engine speeding down the highway, and he recognized Heero in the driver's seat. He sped up and jumped on the back of the fire truck as it zoomed into the emergency drop off at the hospital, hit the sharp turn and fell sideways, crushing five cars. Heero and Quatre jumped out, each toting a body, and rushed in to the ER they received quick and good treatment and were out in no time. (There was supposed to be an ER part here but it was never written, sorry)  
  
  
A pink limo pulled up in front of the hospital and the boys piled in. Soon they were in front of Relena's house again.   
"Should we run for it?" Duo's eyes scanned the yard. Heero nodded and they all turned around fleeing towards the sidewalk. There was an electric buzzing sound and they all fell to the ground. Quatre lifted a slightly charred hand  
"Shock devices…creative." He mumbled as Relena walked into the yard smiling broadly.  
"Now you can stay by me forever! Heero!" Relena dragged the guys in to the house where the rest of the cast sat around a very large table.   
"Hey…I thought you were dead!" Quatre pointed a shaky finger at his dad. Mr. Winner shrugged and pulled out the chair next to him Quatre shrugged too and sat in it. The food was actually pretty good despite the fact it was cooked by 7 year olds making 6 cents an hour. The conversation wasn't that great though, and when Heero ended up shooting Relena, Pargen threw them all out.   
"duuuuuoooo" Duo was suddenly transported to a dark room filled with blood and cherry blossoms. His head fell into his hands.  
"Not this again!" he screamed as a girl with extremely long hair explained to him how to save the world. The cold was too much for our favorite guys and their previously deceased loved ones, they retreated to the mobile suit hanger.   
"Flying *&@%#!" Quatre exclaimed as everyone stared blankly at Joey, who's body hung limply from sandrock…sadly Billy Gilman had screwed him to death. Ica came and dragged away his carcass and all was happy again…  
"Dude… you guys…this blind chick wants us to save the world!" Duo said as the fan was turned on for no apparent reason.   
"A blonde chick wants us to screw the squirrel?"   
"Is it Relena?"  
"Relena's dead"  
"Fred?"  
"Dead or dying…"  
"Who the fuck is Ryan?" And that's what we just can't figure out…when it all comes down to it that's what the holidays are all about. Not what you celebrate…or whether you're gay, or crazy, or totally hot. All that really matters is the ones you love…so just keep asking yourself  
"Who the fuck IS Ryan?" I'm sure the answer will come in time.  
  
  
  
**Note from the author: man…I couldn't think of how to end it, so I just decided to go with totally random…I hope you enjoy it, this is possibly my best achievement in humor and I didn't even end it well. I guess that's how things go sometimes. Anywho, if someone ever hands you a rifle…think of me, and smile for me because I'm totally weird  
Explanation: I couldn't even start to explain to you what goes on in my creepy little head…I'll just explain a few major weird points  
Joey- Joey's my bud, he's a really nice guy and I was sorry to kill him, but it's just bound to happen, I kill him in every story he's in…it just happens. And by the way, being screwed to death by a 12 year old country singer isn't too good for your reputation…he's single!! ::catcalls:: No, seriously he's really nice and I'd just like to take this time to apologize to him for his…painful death…I love you man!!!   
ER-Ica wrote this part for me...THANK YOU!! I'm sure everyone else thanks you too, you deserve something for putting up with me and my constant happiness day, after day, after day…  
THE STORY IN GENERAL: contains a lot of jokes that are only funny to me…please understand that I wrote this just to see how obscene I could make it and what kind of responses I could get out of people…and believe me…I HAD A GREAT TIME WITH THIS!!! I hope you did too, or at least got weirded out enough to WRITE ME A FRICKEN REVIEW!! THANKS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME, I LOVE YOU ALL HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!  
  
  
**


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